You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
