We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
