I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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