the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
