My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
