and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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