I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
