meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
