If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
