she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
