you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize