between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
