people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
