Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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