Got a toothbrush?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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