Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
