I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize