dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
