Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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