he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
