the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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