they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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