Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
