So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
