Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you have to choose: penises or morals?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
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