"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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