'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
