What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
