I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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