He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Ladies don't puke and tell
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
