Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
