My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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