I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
