First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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