youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
