Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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