An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
