If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
