I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
