Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
