wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
