I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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