she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize