Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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