oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
