can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he was CRYING into my vagina
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I need to sanitize my soul.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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