Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
