Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
