sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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