I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
