He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
