Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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