dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
