If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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