Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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