Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
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