put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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