Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
